Spring Cleaning in the ESPN stat archives

It's a familiar situation. Late Thursday night, the day has passed, the dog has been walked and you're about to enjoy a nice T.V. dinner and a cold one while sitting down to a night filled with sportscenter. And while watching sportscenter the thought pops into your head: "I wonder who the youngest player in NFL football to amass 875+ yds passing and 225+yds rushing in the first four games of the NFL season, since the AFL/NFL merger was?" But have no fear curious on-looker, ESPN is here to inform you.

It's safe to say that the only people who are concerned with who the youngest to get 875 and 225 in the first four games are the guys in the stat office in Bristol, NC. This topic is kind of a double edged sword because there is a wealth of stats to be shared from the all knowing folk at ESPN, and there are plenty of interesting stats to be found on any given day. The problem starts when they go digging for stuff that's not there.

It's kind of like the Guinness Book of World records. Some ass-clown from Zimbabwe holds the record for most hours consecutively hoola-hooping, or something along those lines. So technically he has a world record, but that's only because he's a) the only moron who would attempt such an amazing feat. or b) the American who's better at everything can hoola-hoop twice as long, but hasn't had the Guinness guys come out and watch the clock as he gets his Shakira game on for 69 hours.

Same basic rule goes for those useless ESPN stats. No one really cares if Kobe is the first player since 1983 to score 27+ points without shooting a foul shot, and a minimum of 15 shot attempts, and a field goal percentage of 40% or better, while on the road. And just like Mr. Hoola-hoop man, if you take a few of those qualifiers out of this little piece of statistical knowledge, it's more than likely not even a stat anymore. Seems like they're desperately searching for stats to make players, teams or whatever look better or worse than they really are. More than likely they're just bored though.

Do us all a favor, ESPN, save those generated stats for ESPN 8 "the ocho" and get to the Top Plays of the night already, so I can go to bed.